I am still alive and sweet mother of Suwako, I've done it! Season one of the awesome Touhou anime is done!
1) Pilot
Reimu decides to hijack Space Ghost's show to get more donations, but Gensokyo's resident ghosts take violent action in response to their favorite show being Touhou Hijacked (ironically enough). Reimu turns the studio into a makeshift fortress and wages total war with ghosts like Yuyuko, Captain Murasa, the Prismriver Sisters, and more. Yukari uses the turmoil to scheme a mind control broadcast. At the episode's end, Cirno accidentally installs Yukari's hypno wave. The broadcast spans the entire galaxy, captivating everyone as mind slaves to the new horrible commands accidentally written, Cirno and Yukari included.
2) Rape the Maids
Kaguya and Mokou end their eternal rivalry, causing the universe to blow up and reality to distort in hideous ways. Sakuya is tasked by Keine and Eirin to go back in time (by riding a giant cyborg schizophrenic time giraffe on crack constructed with Nitori's help) and prevent the two from making amends. Turns out the reason why the two rivals were acting friendly was due to space-time interference from a mysterious other time-traveler. Shenanigans ensue as the trio attempt to fix time, causing humorous alternate timelines to produce (world ruled by yukkuris anyone?). In the end Sakuya finds the interloper and stages an ambush via time hax, killing herself.
3) Where da Hood at?
G's dodge bullets all the time on the streets, so how well do you think they stack up in a magical wonderland with bullets flying everywhere? Yukari decides to test this out by extending Gensokyo's boundaries into the projects. At first it seems like bringing lambs to the slaughter. After all, they're just humans, so Yukari thought. However, the magical power overflowed and instantly charged the ghetto with magic, bequeathing many of modern society's more dangerous elements with the power of danmaku. Though inexperienced with their accidental new powers, the Gs wield enough power to take down most average residents. The hood starts influencing much of Gensokyo, and everyone starts catching on. Sanae feels like it's nothing new. Reimu is totally outraged. Ran has it the worst as she tries to shield Chen away from "becoming a hooligan". This produces problems when it turns out Cirno has started her own gang and begins recruiting. The gang's first act, tag the Scarlet Devil Mansion. For the most part the ghetto culture provides an unlikely harmony with the girls, but for Reimu, things snap when a wild party gone wrong smashes the donation box. Ready to use her main character hax, Reimu finds that to rid Gensokyo of the ghetto, she must have a magical rap battle against some of the greatest rappers of all time. She eventually wins, forces Yukari to return the Border to normal, and then forces Koishi to subconsciously wipe the outside world humans' memories of the incident. The episode ends with Cirno decked out in bling and in front of the untouched mansion, struggling to spell her name correctly.
4) Day Off
Sikieiki the Yamaxandu takes her first vacation day in 6000 years and decides to commit "lewd and unlawful" acts all day since she is off duty. The day starts with her jaywalking, and then follows to chewing bubblegum inside a nearby school classroom. Meanwhile, Komachi takes advantage of not having her boss breathe down her neck by spending an entire day of uninterrupted slacking. Thus initiates an odd dream sequence involving her developing a Jamaican accent and being enslaved as "best friends" to an idiot boy and a very cynical girl from the outside world. Lady Eiki ends up in a bank, attempting to jiggle snacks out of the vending machine. At the same time, robbers bust into the bank and hold the place up. Eiki, however, is mistaken that the incoming law enforcement is actually for her and all the things she did instead of the robbers. Eiki and the thieves make a run for it, but the criminals are slightly puzzled by the weird green haired girl with a silly hat. While sitting around a small campfire, Eiki confesses all the things she did that day and lays down her life story. The criminals, still slightly confused, are moved by the speech and vow to lead lives of righteousness. The men then become monks and return four times all that they have stolen. Eiki then returns to Gensokyo and when asked about her day, she has a "never again" look on her face. Komachi wakes up shocked by her nightmare.
5) It's Mandatory
Obligatory hot springs episode, but with a twist. In this episode, all characters are genderswapped and put in revealing swimsuits. Why? Either it's magic, Yukari has been screwing with the borders, Eirin has a shady new drug, or it's a Moriya Shrine conspiracy. Templates like that are forbidden, you know. The girls, now guys, have totally homoerotic undertones fly about through the entire episode. At the very end, as a reward for all the suffering, we see a very effeminate swapped Rinnosuke as well as everyone turn back to normal. The DVD edition of the episode has no homolust but also has no genderswapping. Plenty of breast comparison jokes like Sakuya's pads are included. However, because there is no swapping, at the end of the episode, everyone sees a very sexy MANnosuke have his way with the girls.
6) Sweet Revenge
Aya is typically ZUN's slut, but with the exception of Double Spoiler, Sanae has been taking the limelight away from the crow tengu. Meanwhile Sakuya has sworn a vendetta against Sanae for "stealing" the third character spot in Undefined Fantastic Object. In all this, Sanae is absolutely oblivious. Sakuya and Aya decide to team up and plot to kill and/or humiliate Sanae. Cue wacky shenanigans as the girls fail to
off Sanae, everything from having her run errands in dangerous areas (random Disney forest creature sing-a-long), to poisoning her tea (China winds up drinking the tea instead), and more. The duo decides to cut the crap and double team Sanae. The murder is violent and animated in the most trippy disturbing way. Unfortunately, Sanae's blood lands on a seal which requires "the blood of a harlot" to break. The seal causes ZUN himself to descend from the sky. ZUN expresses his disappointment and declares that Sanae's death on the sacred area has broken the seal that protects ZUN from liver failure. Now dying, ZUN declares he must destroy Gensokyo and the universe. Things don't end well as the episode becomes nightmare fuel.
7) Liberals Ruin Everything
A couple of political activists stumble across the Border. These accidental visits allow the two activists to see Flandre holed up in the Scarlet Devil Mansion's basement and later Koishi wandering unattended in the Palace of the Earth Spirits. The two women indignantly charge Remilia and Satori for being abusive and negligent of their sisters who have "gaps in mental stability". The activists take up the righteous cause to bring social justice to Flandre and Koishi so they may integrate successfully into society, albeit in a way totally clueless of how Gensokyo's society functions. The activist who takes in Flandre attempts to coax her out of her destructive habits. "No Flan, when a humyn (take note of the "y", Flan-chan) gives you something nice, you do not respond by ripping somebody else's heart out and giving it as a gift." Meanwhile, Koishi's partner tries to get her to expand her social skills and not use mind control to solve problems. "Now Koishi, I don't know what this danmaku stuff is, but you do not fight with another living thing and you do not ever use that nasty subconscious manipulation." After much frustration, "progress" appears to have been made and the day comes when the girls will return to their sisters. For the special day, the women discard the ZUN-tastic dresses and silly hats because they found them to be "stereotypical" and "a hindrance to the assertion of their gender". Dressed in suits, the girls meet up and an interview of sorts takes place to demonstrate the effectiveness of the rehabilitation. However, a massive outbreak of youkai conveniently occurs, causing a call to arms. For a second, Koishi and Flandre do not react to the imminent danger as Remilia and Satori begin the battle, but right on time, the little sisters tear off their new clothes and return to normal (yin-yang orb censors). The two activists are completely shocked at their failure to make even a dent in the girls' characters. The women are then caught in the crossfire as one is impaled by Flan's Lävatein and the other is hit by one of Koishi's orders to die.
8) Super Awesome Mega Battle Extreme 2: Electric Boogaloo
If anyone's seen the
Touhou M-1 Grand Prix comedy skits, this will make more sense. Patchouli needs a confidence boost, so she decides to train with Meiling. The training is hard and very taxing on Patchouli, so she decides to cheat by taking steroids, magical ones. Over a few days, Meiling is impressed by the exponential progress Patchy makes, but she immediately becomes worried when our favorite asthmatic mage starts acting strange. Instead of working on studying, Patchouli spends her days doing nothing but working out, and she frequently starts roid raging. Not to mention, by this time, Patchouli is huge, jacked, and practically a man. It gets to the point when Patchouli decides to concoct the ultimate manly drink by adding horse testosterone, Muscle Milk, five dozen raw eggs, nails, drills, fire, magic, and ten whole steaks in a blender. This causes Patchouli to become the size of a skyscraper and outright outraged. Patchouli storms out of the near destroyed mansion and kidnaps Marisa. Meanwhile, at the Hakurei shrine Suika and Yuugi hear of the incident and are tasked by Reimu to apprehend the uber Patch. Suika grows huge and Yuugi rides her into battle. By this time, Patchouli has made it past the Border and conveniently into Tokyo. Alone, the two oni are no match for Patchouli, but right on time rides in Ichirin and her giant cloud-man familiar, Unzan. The four are barely able to keep Patchouli down and victory seems at hand, until Patchouli devours Utsuho, who she mistakes for chicken and ergo protein. The radiation makes Patches manlier and more powerful. In the darkest hour, suddenly Nitori comes in a giant mecha (which is actually Kanako cybernetically transformed) with Sanae and MANnosuke in tow. (Sanae out of fascination, MANnouske due to the need of a manly captain) Instead of a simple all out attack on Patchouli, Nitori gives the order for "super combining". Various familiar objects erupt out of Gensokyo and are attached to the mecha. The mecha then expands to extreme size (think Arc Gurren Lagann size). It is so large that Suika, still in giant form, can safely take the head cockpit with everyone else staffing other parts, limbs, and functions of the mecha. The combined super mech dispatches Patchouli in a final clash of manliness, causing her to revert to normal size upon defeat. Patchouli vomits out a traumatized Utsuho. Eirin and Reisen then cart Patchy away to perform reversal surgery. "I assure you, Patchouli, this next operation will be excruciating". How did Marisa feel in all this? "This is awesome ~ze!"
9) Selling out
The episode opens with the ZUN and the producer sharing a drink at a bar in space. A fan-mail letter is given to ZUN. ZUN reads the letter, "lol cince your on epasoda 9 u shud make a Cirno ep cuz she is teh 9 ball!1! XD" ZUN and the producer exchange glances of disgust and begrudgingly mash a giant red button with the words "FUND IT!". The episode is interspersed with live action portions where various staff members cosplay as Cirno and go do stupid things in public (i.e ordering a Whopper at McDonald's). The actual episode consists of Cirno and the ⑨ squad bored on a summer's day, trying to come up with an idea about something to do. The ⑨ squad ping-pongs various ideas but any prank they come up with seems to have a gaping flaw (typically noticed by anyone but Cirno) and even simple ideas, like hanging out at various locales, go up in smoke. Each plan is humorously visualized in a dream sequence-esque cut in. The episode ends with nobody really getting anything done and the group disbands for the day. Cirno decides to do the usual and flies up the to Moriya shrine alone, to freeze Suwako. Cirno gets badly beaten.
10) Blame the government
A member of the Lunar embassy spots Nue riding a UFO one day and instantly assumes that she is an extraterrestrial pretending to be a Lunarian. Nue is captured and taken up to the moon where she is mistakenly charged with falsifying Lunarian citizenship and with libelous action against the moon. Byakuren requests Kaguya to go to the Lunar capital to settle matters, but since the NEET is no longer welcome/there's a special event in Warcraft running, she declines. Eirin would go, but she must tend to Kaguya, so Reisen it is. Reisen sneaks into the crew for a space shuttle a la Solid Snake and uses her illusion powers to do Jedi mind tricks and more. Once on the moon, Reisen is tasked to be Nue's defense attorney. At the trial, Reisen sees the clear favoritism the judge bears towards the prosecution, even forged evidence is used. However, by spotting contradictions and shouting objection, Reisen capably counters the prosecution, bringing a turnabout to the trial. Nue is saved, but as the duo walk back to the shuttle (Nue ready to disguise herself as a moon rock), Reisen claims she has unfinished business. In a dark warehouse, the voice of the Lunar judge asks if Reisen wishes to return to the Watatsuki sisters. Reisen declines, stating that in due time, once a certain someone on earth is "taken care of", she will return. "After all, it's for the mission. Right, your honor?" states Reisen cryptically as she exits. The lights in the warehouse become slightly brighter revealing rows and rows of Reisens, immobile and soldier-like.
11 -13 Finale
Yukari and ZUN decide to hold a world fighting tournament, which drags near every single Touhou character in for the grand prize, a leading role in every game from there on and a cash prize of at least 10,000 yen. Reimu doesn't want to give up her title as main character and doesn't want to pass up an opportunity for cash. Everyone dives in for their own reasons while other less important characters stay on the sidelines to use the situation for their own ends. After a whole mess of showdowns too epic for a summary, it's Sanae against Reimu. Tensions flare as spells fly back and forth. Eventually, Sanae calls upon the powers of her goddesses, and things start turning in her favor. Reimu then decides to call on "the true god of the Hakurei clan", unleashing an explosive flow of energy, putting the girls at ridiculous strengths and leveling the field. The two put everything into one last attack and charge at each other. Meanwhile, back at the shrine, a mysterious hidden seal is broken. Who won? What exactly went down?
Tune in for season two!...
Where stuff like
this will happen.